Losing Hope
by SDM56
Summary: This is my only escape and I will not stop even if the pain is becoming unbearable.


Inspired by Last Resort – Papa Roach

Losing Hope

It hurts so much, but I can't stop it's my only escape from the pain that surrounds me. My life shattering before my eyes and there's nothing I can do to stop it or anyone else. I'm suffocating; every breath I take is like a dragger stabbing me in the heart telling me I deserve this. But I don't give a fuck anymore; people no longer care why I should I?

This is my only escape and I will not stop even if the pain is becoming unbearable.

I did it again, and god does it feel good. My escape is my only paradise in this world. My breath is becoming shallow; maybe it was too much this time. No I don't think so; it felt really good so there's no way that it's wrong, right? But I don't care, do you? All those people who said this is wrong never knew how good it feels, they should try it.

Maybe I should end it all tonight? It's a full moon, the stars are bright, and it's peaceful and quiet. The perfect setting, right? Dying when everything else peaceful the way everyone should die; peacefully.

I've lost hope in everyone and in myself. Sometimes I wish someone would tell everything is going too alright and I'm going to okay. But they don't. My eye sight is starting to blur, everything is fuzzy. Is it okay to feel lightheaded and dizzy? My escape would never hurt me, right?

I never realized how much my façade would hurt me in the end. Always pretending to be happy, always trying to please my sins, hoping it would bring me back to life. To soon did I realize how empty I truly was. Chaos and sins fueled me, but the high feeling only felt me crashing too quickly.

They say it all started when my father died, I say it started when my mother felt me alone. She lost me, I tried to find my way back to her but she never wanted to be found. My heart felt no love after that. My love for myself shortly died after that. I tried to find love somewhere else and I did for a while but soon after that did I realized I was only a burden to them. I love them, but I can't bring myself to hurt them anymore. That love might as well have died.

I've cried for them, cried for myself and for the life I can't bring myself to live anymore. Tears are falling again and I won't stop them.

The room is spinning; I can hear my cell phone ring. It's her…again. I know it is. It's her ringtone. She's been trying so hard to help me but no one can help me anymore. I already admitted my life was a waste, she should understand. No one understands, but that's okay. I don't even I understand it sometimes. Should I answer it, and tell her this is the end for me? No, I don't think I will. She'll come and try to save me.

Saving me is like trying to stop death, it's impossible. Miracles can happen, she would say but not tonight.

Dam it, why won't they stop calling it's been over an hour. I'm slowly starting to slip away and I'm glad for that. Everything is fading. I never understood why some people suffered so much and others never suffered. Maybe their lucky, I wish I could have been that lucky.

Wait…what I am saying? I don't think I'm making sense anymore; hopefully soon I won't need to make sense, because in the end it was all meaningless.

Did someone call me? I thought I heard my name. No, I must really be out of it now. I laugh, its weak, just like me. Weakness, failure, my best friends.

Darkness is finally consuming me. It won't be long now. I think I'm ready, I wonder if they'll miss me? Maybe in the beginning, they'll get over it. I know they will, I was a nuisance to everyone, I hope they can all forgive me. I don't want to die knowing I hurt people but people hurt me first, so does that mean we're even?

Why is it when we're about to die is when we being to ponder on the meaning of life? See, there I go again. Maybe it's human nature. Well, whatever it is it means nothing now.

I know I'm not smart but I'm no idiot. I understood things before anyone else did; I simply didn't see the point in wasting my time in school when I needed to be ready for the real world no matter if I was already living in it. Everyone else lived in happy ever after story but life isn't as forgiving as we would like it to be.

I can't feel my body anymore; my heart beat is slowing and merciless. Each beat is a piercing through my soul.

Someone is touching me; I can feel their hands on my wrists. I think their trying to stop the blood, but I have already lost too much. I don't who it is; I can't bring myself to open my eyes. Their saying something, I think their saying to hang on, it won't long before the ambulance gets here. Don't they understand I just want to be left alone.

I can feel someone else here, there carrying me somewhere, my body becomes limp at their touch. I hear muffled voices, how did they find me? I made sure no one would find me. Then, again I am in my room, or was. But still people know I don't like my room, I thought that was the last place anyone would look for me.

They finally put in down, but I'm still moving how this is possible? Maybe I'm flying? I don't understand what's going on. I am dreaming? If I am hopefully there's food, I haven't eaten in a while.

Something just pinched me, that hurt. Who the hell do they think they are? The pain is starting to become lighter. My body is now completely numb. I don't like this feeling.

All I see is darkness. I am in heaven or hell or perhaps neither. I don't know how long I've been here but it seems like an eternity. If I have crossed to the other side then where are all those missed guided souls like me. I am meant to find my own way or to float in the nothings that I am already in?

I can hear someone calling my name. It's the same person from before. I think it's her. I hope it's her but I don't what her to think of me as weak. I've been strong in her eyes. Maybe it's time she become the strong one.

I know it's her now, I can hear her so clearly. I wish I could see her, tell not to worry. That sometimes we get hurt and that death is a part of life.

My body, I can feel it now. There's no more pain, I feel sore but no pain. I don't whether to be happy or sad that I'm still alive. I know I'm alive because I woke up from the nothing were I was. They don't know I've woken up; I've been up for almost an hour. I can tell they haven't slept properly for a few nights.

Was it because of me? I hope not, I'm not worth it.

She's waking up. I squeeze her hand to let her know I'm okay. She's smiling at me. I frown, she shouldn't be happy that I'm okay. I don't understand.

"Sam…" Her voice is soft. I open my mouth to respond but she silences me.

"I don't understand why you would try to take your life. You're so full of potential. I should have been a better friend. What Kind of best friend lets their best friend almost kill themselves?"

I'm still frowning, shaking my head to what she is saying. She didn't understand the pain I'm in. Maybe if I told her, no, I don't trust my voice just yet. Her eyes are hopeful, she wants me to tell everything I've been feeling. I'll tell someday but not know. I smile a genuine smile to let her know I will be okay if she promises to give me time and space.

She nods, she understood.

My eyes feel heavy. Sleep is overwhelming me. I close my eyes knowing, I still won't be okay and it will be a long time before anyone can trust me again. I don't care, as long as they don't abandon me.


End file.
